“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown
After my marriage breakdown, I began to explore, for the first time ever, what my values are, and from this I began to establish strong boundaries. Something that had been missing from my repertoire of necessary life skills for my entire existence. There are responsibilities that go with love and because I had no sense of my values, there were never any consequences for when others went outside my boundaries. Values nil. Boundaries nil. Because I didn't know what my values were, I was easily manipulated by those around me - not only in my love relationships, but in my relationships with everyone around me.
Values influence your decisions, actions, and behaviour. When I was miserable, I blamed others, but in truth, I was miserable because I was unaware that the life I was living was determined by someone else's values, not my own. Here, I've offered a few basic exercises for you to begin to discover what important to you.
The Importance of Boundaries
Setting clear personal boundaries was the key to ensuring all my relationships are mutually respectful, supportive and caring. Knowing my values and setting boundaries has allowed me to set limits of acceptable behavior from those around me. My children, my family, my friends.
Boundaries filter out what is acceptable and what is not. I had relatively poor boundaries. No…. that’s a lie right there. I had no boundaries. Taking on my partners problems and making them my own to made me an easy target to be manipulated, controlled, and used. That’s what happens when you have no boundaries. The reason I ignored my boundaries is multifaceted, but essentially it was related to my belief about being accommodating, my inability to say no, and my need to be liked. The co-dependent love addict.
Clearly, setting healthy boundaries requires you to know what your values are.
Values have been described as your guide, your compass, your true essence, your uniqueness, what you stand for, what matters to you, what’s important to you. You already own a set, but the ones you’re living may not be exactly guiding, helping, and directing you effectively in your life, they could be doing the exact opposite. Without taking the time to clarify your own you can own a mishmash of values, and dearly held beliefs, principles and guidelines handed down and along to you by others.
The Importance of Values
While boundaries filter out what’s acceptable to you, determining what’s acceptable will be guided by the values you hold. If you’re discontent with your life, it may be that the way you are living, or the people you are associating with, is not in alignment with your values. For instance, if you value family time but work 70 hours a week, there’s going to be internal conflict. Your values will likely also change over time as you mature, learn and grow, so a feeling of discontent may be indicative of the need for a reassessment of your values. You may also need to ask yourself if the values you hold are truly yours, or are they the values of your parents, which no longer hold relevance for you?
Life simply flows more smoothly when you’re aligned with your true values. Knowing what your values are helps you to make choices which are in in tune with your hearts desire, with your ‘self’. What is ‘self’? A wise woman once defined Self as the voice that is listening. It’s an apt description and makes you stop and think before acting in every instance. Values are a bit like a monitor to your own behaviour....
Your values may be based on something you are lacking - if you value freedom, you can't obtain it while you are being controlling!
Are you making value choices and setting boundaries based on high self-worth? Or are you being ruled by the voice of self-doubt, where fear and old programming are still running your life?
Exercise Determining Your Values
I’ve included an extensive list of words below to help you think about what your values might be. Go through the list and select all the words that you believe are important to you. Keep in mind, that values will have different meanings dependant on the context. For instance, if I value Freedom, in the workplace this may mean I like the freedom to work autonomously. In my relationships, freedom may be about having a partner who allows me to pursue my hobbies without restriction.
Further, your values are not set. As you grow, your values will grow with you. This is especially true when moving from childhood to adulthood, where the values instilled in you by your culture or parental influences may no longer suit you as an adult.
When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier. Our values are the sum of our value.
In light of this, the next important step is to look at each of your values to determine if they are out-dated or being driven by someone else.
Take it further by thinking about these and ask yourself, are they yours or somebody else’s desires for you.
Your goals and the current path you’re on Your beliefs and opinions Your idea of success Your fears and dreams
Knowing your values then setting your boundaries will help you to establish what your needs are. If you don’t know what your needs are, how can you ever feel like they’re being met? How can you draw to yourself relationships, friendships, work situations, that are fulfilling? Anytime you are faced with dissatisfaction, you can look at the values you have set, and there is a good chance that your environment is violating one of boundaries. You can’t just set a boundary and recognise when its being violated. Take action! Boundaries are about self-respect and if someone is violating your boundary it’s a deal breaker.
It is ACTION that leads to healing.
From my experience as a counsellor I meet mostly people who want a quick fix. You need to know from the outset that all of these processes take time. It’s important that you make you a priority in your life. Love and honour yourself by giving your healing the time and attention it needs.
VALUE WORDS
A
Ability
Abundance
Acceptance
Accessibility
Accomplishment
Achievement
Acknowledgement
Activeness
Adaptability
Adoration
Adventure
Affection
Affluence
Altruism
Ambition
Appreciation
Approachability
Articulacy
Assertiveness
Attentiveness
Attractiveness
Availability
Awareness
B
Balance
Beauty
Belonging
Benevolence
Boldness
Bravery
C
Calmness
Camaraderie Candour
Capability
Carefulness
Celebrity Certainty
Challenge
Charm
Chastity
Cheerfulness
Clarity
Cleanliness
Clear-mindedness
Cleverness
Closeness
Comfort
Commitment
Compassion
Competence
Complacency
Completion
Concentration
Confidence
Conformity
Congruency
Connection
Consciousness
Consistency
Contentment
Contribution
Control
Conviction
Coolness
Cooperation
Cordiality
Correctness
Courage
Courtesy
Craftiness
Creativity
Credibility
Cunning
Curiosity
D
Daring
Decisiveness
Decorum
Deference
Delight
Delicacy
Dependability
Depth
Desire
Determination
Devotion
Devoutness
Dexterity
Dignity
Diligence
Diplomacy
Direction
Directness
Discipline
Discovery
Discretion
Diversity
Dominance
Dreaming
Drive
Duty
Dynamism
E
Eagerness
Economy
Education
Effectiveness
Efficiency
Equality
Elegance
Empathy
Encouragement
Endurance
Energy
Enjoyment
Enlightenment
Enthusiasm
Excellence
Excitement
Exhilaration
Expectancy
Experience
Expertise
Exploration
Expressiveness
Extravagance
Extroversion
Exuberance
Evolution
F
Facilitating
Fairness
Faith
Fame
Family
Fascination
Fashion
Fearlessness
Ferocity
Fidelity
Fierceness
Financial independence
Firmness
Fitness
Flexibility
Flow
Fluency
Focus
Fortitude
Fluidity
Frankness
Freedom
Friendliness
Frugality
Fun
G
Gallantry
Generosity
Gentility
Giving
Grace
Gratitude
Gregariousness
Growth
Guidance
H
Happiness
Harmony
Health
Helpfulness
Heroism
Holiness
Honesty
Honour
Hopefulness
Hospitality
Humility
Humour
Hygiene
I
Imagination
Impact
Impartiality
Independence
Industry
Ingenuity
Inquisitiveness
Insightfulness
Inspiration
Instinctiveness
Integrity
Intelligence
Intensity
Intimacy
Intrepidness
Introversion
Intuition
Intuitiveness
Inventiveness
Investing
J
Joy
Judiciousness
Justice
K
Keenness
Kindness
Knowledge
L
Lavishness
Leadership
Learning
Liberation
Liveliness
Logic
Longevity
Love
Loyalty
M
Making a difference
Mastery
Maturity
Meekness
Mellowness
Meticulousness
Mindfulness
Moderation
Modesty
Motivation
Mysteriousness
N
Neatness
Nerve
O
Obedience
Open-mindedness
Openness
Optimism
Order
Organization
Originality
Outrageousness
P
Passion
Peace
Perceptiveness
Perfection
Perseverance
Persistence
Persuasiveness
Philanthropy
Piety
Playfulness
Pleasantness
Pleasure
Poise
Polish
Popularity
Potency
Power
Practicality
Pragmatism
Precision
Preparedness
Presence
Privacy
Proactivity
Professionalism
Prosperity
Prudence
Punctuality
Purity
Q
Qualification
Quietness
R
Realism
Reason
Reasonableness
Recognition
Recreation
Refinement
Reflection
Relaxation
Reliability
Religiousness
Resilience
Resolution
Resolve
Respect
Rest
Restraint
Reverence
Richness
Rigor
S
Sacredness
Sacrifice
Saintliness
Satisfaction
Security
Self-control
Selflessness
Self-reliance
Sensitivity
Sensuality
Serenity
Service
Sexuality
Sharing
Shrewdness
Silence
Silliness
Simplicity
Sincerity
Skilfulness
Smartness
Solidarity
Solitude
Sophistication
Soundness
Speed
Spirit
Spirituality
Spontaneity
Spunk
Stability
Stealth
Stillness
Strength
Structure
Substantiality
Success
Support Supremacy Surprise Sustainability Sympathy
T
Teamwork
Temperance Thankfulness Thoroughness Thoughtfulness Thrift Tidiness Timeliness Traditionalism Tranquillity Transcendence Trust Trustworthiness
U
Understanding
Uniqueness
V
Valour
Variety
Victory
Virtue
Vision
Vitality
Vivacity
W
Warmth
Wealth
Wholesomeness
Wilfulness
Willingness
Winning
Wisdom
Wonder
Worthiness
Disclaimer:
If you have suffered severe mental, physical, emotional abuse as an adult or a child, you will be well advised to seek the assistance of a professional psychologist to help deal with the effects of abuse. This website, blogs & podcasts, and the counselling offered by me are offered under the assumption that you have already begun your healing journey, and are now ready to move more fully into taking responsibility for yourself. Ready to begin developing self-worth, self-love, and are interested in finding the gifts in the adversity you have faced.
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References
Kolb. K Skill Power LLC 2008-2018
Barclay, D. Living Moxie.
O’Brien, K. BMG Mindfullness
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13176/6-steps-to-set-good-boundaries.html
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